So he called today! He's in Kuwait. I wish he was on his way home, but I at least feel better to know when he makes it to his desinations. However now I have to wait for the next phone call when he actually gets into Iraq. And then at some point he will have to get on a helicopter and go to the FOB. That rattles my nerves!!! I hate any time he has to travel in that part of the world. And it's new years... So scarry for me. Okay so you say... "Well you just have to have faith.." I do... it's got me this far. However, sometimes fear can unfortunatly be a little stronger than faith. Something I need to work on I suppose. Faith or not, it doesn't make me worry any less.
Everyday this gets a little easier. The kids have seemed to level out so far. Rylee seems to have the most trouble when she is tired. That's usually when the crying for daddy begins. Sometimes I just hold her and other times I just have to let her have her time. I talked to everyone I could to find information and solutions to this problem. Then tantrums and incoherrent crying for daddy. Talked to my therpist, sought info on the net, and talked to the girls peditrician.... it's all normal. I am doing all I can do. The only thing that will make it better is him comming home. They say that deployment for kids is not much different than how a divorce affects kids. Makes sence. I am starting to not feel so helpless and like I am failing the girls. I am doing all Ican for them and thats the best I can do. Nothing is going to make this hurt any less for any of us. we just have to hold eachother and work through it.
I think that this is the first time, out of all the times that he has left, that I am actually dealing with how I feel about it. I usually just suck it up and tuck it deep inside. Trying to be strong and to do everything perfect. Well not this time! I'm letting it all out... and it's going to help me heal. I have so much pain and anger... sadness and lonelyness... so much stress and anxiety. I deny my self the right to feel my feelings... like it's not okay to be mad, or sad. Like I have to be perfect all the time and that by admitting to my feelings that I am some how weak and damaged. Well it's not. The the only person out there that expects me to be perfect is me. I mean how can I not be angry when I hear that my family is being disrupted for him to be out there doing nothing!? What wife and mother wouldn't get mad about that!!!!???
So it's New Years. Yet another holiday that we have to spend apart, but I am optimistic. As with every New year I feel that it is a chance for something new. That it can be better than than the year before. It is a time for change and a new chance to live better. I welcome 2009 for many reasons but the biggest one is that it's just getting closer to the time that this deployment is over and that he will be back home. Where we can just live and be a family.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
36 hours later
So I can say that I feel a little better.... Yesterday was hard!
I made it through most of the day yesterday....Sad but still holding it together. No anxiety, no funny buisness with my heart. I felt fine. But I guess I can on;y take hearing ("can we go pick up daddy from his work trip now?") So many times before it just breaks me.The hardest thing I think I have had to deal with since becomming a mother is listening to my girls cry for their daddy. Rylee was just sitting in the bath yesterday morning, having fun and giggling. All of the sudden she just burst into tears and started to cry for daddy. She just cried and cried and cried. All I could do was get her dressed and hold her until she finally stopped.
In the evening I just kept crying... hearing your kids cry for their father is the ultimate worst! And nothing I can say or do is going to make it better for them. All we need is time. All day today she keeps asking for him. Asking me, "Pretty please go get daddy?" Like I am keeping him from her or something.
I made it through most of the day yesterday....Sad but still holding it together. No anxiety, no funny buisness with my heart. I felt fine. But I guess I can on;y take hearing ("can we go pick up daddy from his work trip now?") So many times before it just breaks me.The hardest thing I think I have had to deal with since becomming a mother is listening to my girls cry for their daddy. Rylee was just sitting in the bath yesterday morning, having fun and giggling. All of the sudden she just burst into tears and started to cry for daddy. She just cried and cried and cried. All I could do was get her dressed and hold her until she finally stopped.
In the evening I just kept crying... hearing your kids cry for their father is the ultimate worst! And nothing I can say or do is going to make it better for them. All we need is time. All day today she keeps asking for him. Asking me, "Pretty please go get daddy?" Like I am keeping him from her or something.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
R and R SUCKS
Okay....
So here it goes. I am having a hard time dealing with this so I hear that blogging and journaling helps deal with all those pent up emotions. So here it goes....
Deployments suck. I do not regret Marks decision to join the military, it seriously saved his life. If he hadn't joined the Army we wouldn't be here today, we wouldn't be as in love as we are, he wouldn't be the man that he is and we wouldn't have had these two awesome little girls that we love so much it brings us to tears. However, who could have ever imagined that he would spend so many years.... I mean YEARS! Away!!! I sure didn't. I mean over 3 years in Iraq, a year away for training, a week here, a month there! It;s ridiculous. We are both the the point of constant tears. Well, more tears on my part, but a few from him as well. It hurts!
So you say.. well you've done this before, it should be easy. Well, it doesn't get easier. It just funks with your emotions... it makes you feel like a stranger from the one you love the most in this world. It has created this monster inside of us that is just so angry, so hurt and so confused. And every time you try to let this monster out and deal with it you have to shove it right back into your cage, chin up and deal with it later. But the monster just sits inside getting more and more sick and more angry. Then it begins to come out physically... depression, mood swings, anger, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, anxiety..... on and on... just when I think I am getting some where with all this, the whole thing unravels. We hit rock bottom and have to do it all over again.
R&R is exciting.... you count down the days until he gets home. You prepare... grocery shopping, buying fresh socks, underwear, a case of beer. You spend days getting the kids ready... counting down... daddy will be home soon! Let's shop for daddy, let's decorate for daddy. It's a happy moment. You just can't wait for it. You drive to the airport so nervous, so excited. You can't believe that after 7 long months you will finally get the chance to hold each other. You will finally get to see him snuggle with his kids. To hold his baby. But he feels like a stranger... this person I have been with for over 10 years feels like a complete stranger... I feel weird, awkward, self conscious and with drawn. He is weird to, exhausted from the week long trip home, spacey because he doesn't know how to adapt to the normal things. He feels like a stranger in a place he calls home. I have to give him a tour.... I have to explain to him that 3 times a day the baby actually eats food now, she can't just have bottles alone. That his daughter is a little girl now.. that he has to watch his language in her presence and that she likes to have her privacy. That she still loves monster trucks, but right now barbies are her cup of tea! She doesn't like PB and J any more.... Just PB no J.
After a few days he feels at home, we feel like he's part of the family. We all start to feel comfortable. I start to feel close to him again. The baby goes to him with out crying. His daughter stops the crying every time that he leaves the room. We are a normal family again.
Then boom!!!! Your 18 days are up!!! It's like he's ripped from our family. And we have to go through the pain of good bye all over again. We have to try to explain to a 3.5 year old that her daddy has to leave again. When we even mention that daddy has to go back to work she yells NO! Daddy has to stay home and play with me. Her heart will break tomorrow and in my own weak emotional state I will have to pick up the pieces for her. Hold her while she screams and cries. Cuddle her to sleep. Try to keep my temper in check when I am at the end of my rope.
Believe it or not, it would have been easier for him to just come home when he is done. R&R is a tease... it's emotional foreplay. It puts you back together and then rips you apart! How can the government do this to families!? How come I am the only one who is ever honest with how I feel? I find it hard to believe that I am the only woman that is struggling with this mentally, physically, emotionally. Why don't more of us fight this! Talk about it, hold each other up and let each other know that we aren't alone. I think pretending that everything is OK is worse than anything at all. Well I am going to speak up. It makes me feel better. being honest about how I feel will help to heal me. It will make me a better wife, mother, and friend. I will get through this! It will hurt like heck! I will cry, I will feel depressed. I may need to take a few pills to relax and that's OK! It's okay for me to need help through this. And when he gets home we will get through it and we as a family, will be stronger than ever.
So here it goes. I am having a hard time dealing with this so I hear that blogging and journaling helps deal with all those pent up emotions. So here it goes....
Deployments suck. I do not regret Marks decision to join the military, it seriously saved his life. If he hadn't joined the Army we wouldn't be here today, we wouldn't be as in love as we are, he wouldn't be the man that he is and we wouldn't have had these two awesome little girls that we love so much it brings us to tears. However, who could have ever imagined that he would spend so many years.... I mean YEARS! Away!!! I sure didn't. I mean over 3 years in Iraq, a year away for training, a week here, a month there! It;s ridiculous. We are both the the point of constant tears. Well, more tears on my part, but a few from him as well. It hurts!
So you say.. well you've done this before, it should be easy. Well, it doesn't get easier. It just funks with your emotions... it makes you feel like a stranger from the one you love the most in this world. It has created this monster inside of us that is just so angry, so hurt and so confused. And every time you try to let this monster out and deal with it you have to shove it right back into your cage, chin up and deal with it later. But the monster just sits inside getting more and more sick and more angry. Then it begins to come out physically... depression, mood swings, anger, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, anxiety..... on and on... just when I think I am getting some where with all this, the whole thing unravels. We hit rock bottom and have to do it all over again.
R&R is exciting.... you count down the days until he gets home. You prepare... grocery shopping, buying fresh socks, underwear, a case of beer. You spend days getting the kids ready... counting down... daddy will be home soon! Let's shop for daddy, let's decorate for daddy. It's a happy moment. You just can't wait for it. You drive to the airport so nervous, so excited. You can't believe that after 7 long months you will finally get the chance to hold each other. You will finally get to see him snuggle with his kids. To hold his baby. But he feels like a stranger... this person I have been with for over 10 years feels like a complete stranger... I feel weird, awkward, self conscious and with drawn. He is weird to, exhausted from the week long trip home, spacey because he doesn't know how to adapt to the normal things. He feels like a stranger in a place he calls home. I have to give him a tour.... I have to explain to him that 3 times a day the baby actually eats food now, she can't just have bottles alone. That his daughter is a little girl now.. that he has to watch his language in her presence and that she likes to have her privacy. That she still loves monster trucks, but right now barbies are her cup of tea! She doesn't like PB and J any more.... Just PB no J.
After a few days he feels at home, we feel like he's part of the family. We all start to feel comfortable. I start to feel close to him again. The baby goes to him with out crying. His daughter stops the crying every time that he leaves the room. We are a normal family again.
Then boom!!!! Your 18 days are up!!! It's like he's ripped from our family. And we have to go through the pain of good bye all over again. We have to try to explain to a 3.5 year old that her daddy has to leave again. When we even mention that daddy has to go back to work she yells NO! Daddy has to stay home and play with me. Her heart will break tomorrow and in my own weak emotional state I will have to pick up the pieces for her. Hold her while she screams and cries. Cuddle her to sleep. Try to keep my temper in check when I am at the end of my rope.
Believe it or not, it would have been easier for him to just come home when he is done. R&R is a tease... it's emotional foreplay. It puts you back together and then rips you apart! How can the government do this to families!? How come I am the only one who is ever honest with how I feel? I find it hard to believe that I am the only woman that is struggling with this mentally, physically, emotionally. Why don't more of us fight this! Talk about it, hold each other up and let each other know that we aren't alone. I think pretending that everything is OK is worse than anything at all. Well I am going to speak up. It makes me feel better. being honest about how I feel will help to heal me. It will make me a better wife, mother, and friend. I will get through this! It will hurt like heck! I will cry, I will feel depressed. I may need to take a few pills to relax and that's OK! It's okay for me to need help through this. And when he gets home we will get through it and we as a family, will be stronger than ever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
