Butterflies... in my chest!

So... it's been awhile. I can't seem to stick to anything! This blog actually really helps me but like all things I start it and then put it down. Perhaps one day I will start something and finish it! Anyways... my heart.... my freakin heart!!!! No matter how many blood tests I've had, doctors that have said, or how rational I try to be it still freaks me out. It scares me to feel that flutter, deep beat, or skip. It scares me. It makes me stop and drop what ever I am doing and pause. It's just really hard for me to believe that I am okay I guess. It's hard to feel normal and hard to believe that you are okay when something feels so wrong. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it scares me. Will it ever stop? Am I going to forever fear death? And you are wondering, woah... well how did we get to death? Well that's the fear, the fear of my heart litterally breaking. At what point can I make myself accept that I am ok. Do I want something to be wrong with me? No. Not at all. I love this life so much that I can't imagine leaving it. Since I have had my daughters life is different. It is more fragile, more priceless. I guess when you have more to lose the fear increases. It seems that when ever I am stressed and when I am worried that's when my health comes into focus. That is when I start fearing death and illness. Why? You tell me cause I haven't figured it out yet! Marks Great Grandpa in in Hospice. He is nearly 87 and dying. It is his time, he has lived a long life and his body is worn out. It's time for him to go on to the next adventure. This terrifies me!!! Watching him wither up, seeing his spirit slowly leave him, watching him give up cause he doesnt have much left to stay here for scares the shit out of me. To imagine leaving this world so miserably is aweful! The thought of me having to age and then slowly slip away sucks! I wish I didn't even think about it. I wish I could just live and enjoy my young years and laer enjoy the older years. How does everyone else do it. How do others handle death and again? How can others cope with all these seemingly normal things and for me it's intolerable? I want to just live. I want to accept the things I cannot control. I want to live healthfully and fear less. I want to believe that I am healthy and that I am going to be around for a long time. I want to accept fate and the aging process. I need to let it all go and just live!

The Phone Works One Way

For weeks the phones have been garbage! I have been trying for days, for hours, for two weeks to get calls through to mark. Sometimes he would answer, but it would usually cut out. I spent so much money on minutes that were used saying things like Huh? what? What did you say? Hello? Are you there? What a waste! It took me two hours of nearly nonstop dialing this morning but I finally got through to Mark. And it was good connection!!!! That never happens!! The conversation was going well and then I began getting bitched at! Are yu serious?> You are on another continent and I have been having a hell of a time getting through and you are going to spend the time and money to bitch at me!!!?? And about nothing. All because I haven't paid off the credit cards with our tax return yet. I've had to money for two days! ANd it's not like it's sitting in stacks on the dash board of my truck. .. it's in the freakin bank safe and sound. This bitching went on for nearly 20 mintues and then the phone cut out. What a disappointment. I didn't even try to call back. Makes me sad. I have worked so hard and waited to get that call through and it was wasted on freakin nothing! A million miles away and fighting! (well he was fighting) You would think that would never happen in our situation. That every little moment would be cherished and spent telling of my adventures with the girls and planning for when he comes home. Nope... petty retarded arguments over nothing. WTF?

My Heart

Hey hey hey-

First I would like to thank all of you who have helped me through this rough time in my life and for showing such concern for my health. Means alot! It was pretty scary there for a minute but I am happy to report that I am going to be okay. Met with the cardiologist today and he went over the results of my Echo Cardiogram and the heart monitor that I wore for a week. He said that basically my heart looks and functions normally. I may or may not have Wollff Parkinson White syndrom, but since this isn't really affecting me at this time it;s not worth trying to track it down. I have a leaky tricuspid valve that may be causing the heart palpatations, however, it is uncommon for some one of my age to have that so he said that it is possible that the there was human error on the ultrasound. Either way what we area doing is helping. I am taking a BP med. that regulates my heart rate and Keeps my heart from racing. I will have to have annual Echo Cardiograms to Check on things and if anything gets worse I am suppossed to go back in and we'll re evaluate. He said that I will be fine and that I should just keep on doing what I am doing. So basically, there is something, but it's nothing to worry about at this time. I am grateful to finally have some answers. For the last 4 years I have just been told over and over that I just had to much stress... that it was anxiety. Well, it was more than that. I plan to thank the ER doctor that suggested that I see a cardiologist in the first place. If it wasn't for him taking the time to think outside the box I would still be answerless and miserable. Now I can get back to living my life! Now I just have to get a handle on my PMS and things will be dandy!
Again thank you everyone for being there for me! I love you! And thanks to god above for my health! I have a different outlook on life and I hope to be able to live happier, healthier, and less stressed!

Love CHRISTEN XOXOXOXOXOXOXO :)