LIMBO

So today I don't really have anything specific to talk (complain) about. Eventually I hope to have more positive and memorable experiences to share but things have been kinda icky lately. Great Grandpa is dying. I don't think there is anything worse to watch than death. Even when it's a death like this. He is 87, his wife is gone, he has lived a full life and done and saw many things, he isnt is any kind of pain or suffering. And it's just his time. His heart is giving out and this is the natural progression of life. Perhaps its the fear of my own death that makes it hard to watch and accept his. I hate how this disrupts all of our lives in general. We are all cranky and sad. We are all stressed and feeling guilty. It's turned a normally calm location into a nut house. People snippin at eachother and no one can seem to anything right. Ick! I just wish he would die already. And I don['t mean that I want him to go, but I believe that he is already gone, his body is still living tho. And it's not that I wouldn't want him to live, but if he is going to die no matter what why does it take so long? It just draggs on and on and it's a tiring emotional roller coaster. I am just ready for the conclusion of this chapter. My kids need it, my husband needs it and I need it. I just want him to have peace.

I am getting so ancy for Mark to come home. We are in the double digits now in the countdown until he comes home! I just want to press fast forward to when the plane lands! The begining of the deployment and the end are the hardest for me. I seem to keep it all together in the middle, but don't do well with the rest. I am just so tired. I am tired to being a single mom. I am tired of just talking to him, making all these plans but having to just wait and wait to be able to take some action. I want my babies to go to bed happy because they are secure and their daddy is hear to tuck them in. Even after all this time rylee still screams herself to sleep some nights. Screaming for him to come back. Its so painful to watch and there's nothing I can do but let her cry it out. I feel so bad for him and Carly. They barely know eachother. Theres and automatic bond because they are father and daughter, but they have a lot of getting to know eachother to do. I am sad for him because he left me with babies and he is going to come home to little girls. I am so excited thogh to be able to be a family again. To cook for us and sit down at the dinner table together. To take a day trip or go camping. Anything as long as we are togther. He is such a big part of all 3 of us, it's just like this huge piece of us is missing when he is gone. I pray that this is the last time we have to endure a deployment. I want some normalcy.

I have a tiny fear about what its going to be like when we dont have deployment hanging over our heads. Out of nearly 7 years of marriage we have only spend 30 months of it together. That is no exaggeration. We have grown and changed so much, what if we have out grown eachother. Don't get me wrong I love him so much I could puke, but u just don't know. It's just gonna be wierd when I am secure that he isn't going to be leving us again. I pray for our future and I will do my best to keep our marriage wonderful! :)

In a month I am going back to Texas! I can't wait! I miss my house and I am excitied to get everything ready for Mark to come home. I have a new bed set that I sewed for carly and I can't wait to set it all up for her in her room. I have so many re-decorating ideas!!! I can't wait to let the girls loose in their back yard on their swingset. I can't wait to set up the kiddie pool this summer on the deck and to sit back with an iced tea and watch them spalsh around. I am terrified of the trip home though. I am scared of the drive. I have no one that is going to be rigding with me and that sucks! Sooooo borning. I can't believe that there isn't anyone who is willing to make the drive with me!!! I have to haul the trailer and that makes me nervous. I have towed the trailer with the 4 wheeler, but not beverly hillbillies style wsith half my belongings! I am sureI will be fine, just bored to tears!!!! And if some one doesnt stepup and decide to come with me then I WILL be calling YOU!

Butterflies... in my chest!

So... it's been awhile. I can't seem to stick to anything! This blog actually really helps me but like all things I start it and then put it down. Perhaps one day I will start something and finish it! Anyways... my heart.... my freakin heart!!!! No matter how many blood tests I've had, doctors that have said, or how rational I try to be it still freaks me out. It scares me to feel that flutter, deep beat, or skip. It scares me. It makes me stop and drop what ever I am doing and pause. It's just really hard for me to believe that I am okay I guess. It's hard to feel normal and hard to believe that you are okay when something feels so wrong. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it scares me. Will it ever stop? Am I going to forever fear death? And you are wondering, woah... well how did we get to death? Well that's the fear, the fear of my heart litterally breaking. At what point can I make myself accept that I am ok. Do I want something to be wrong with me? No. Not at all. I love this life so much that I can't imagine leaving it. Since I have had my daughters life is different. It is more fragile, more priceless. I guess when you have more to lose the fear increases. It seems that when ever I am stressed and when I am worried that's when my health comes into focus. That is when I start fearing death and illness. Why? You tell me cause I haven't figured it out yet! Marks Great Grandpa in in Hospice. He is nearly 87 and dying. It is his time, he has lived a long life and his body is worn out. It's time for him to go on to the next adventure. This terrifies me!!! Watching him wither up, seeing his spirit slowly leave him, watching him give up cause he doesnt have much left to stay here for scares the shit out of me. To imagine leaving this world so miserably is aweful! The thought of me having to age and then slowly slip away sucks! I wish I didn't even think about it. I wish I could just live and enjoy my young years and laer enjoy the older years. How does everyone else do it. How do others handle death and again? How can others cope with all these seemingly normal things and for me it's intolerable? I want to just live. I want to accept the things I cannot control. I want to live healthfully and fear less. I want to believe that I am healthy and that I am going to be around for a long time. I want to accept fate and the aging process. I need to let it all go and just live!

The Phone Works One Way

For weeks the phones have been garbage! I have been trying for days, for hours, for two weeks to get calls through to mark. Sometimes he would answer, but it would usually cut out. I spent so much money on minutes that were used saying things like Huh? what? What did you say? Hello? Are you there? What a waste! It took me two hours of nearly nonstop dialing this morning but I finally got through to Mark. And it was good connection!!!! That never happens!! The conversation was going well and then I began getting bitched at! Are yu serious?> You are on another continent and I have been having a hell of a time getting through and you are going to spend the time and money to bitch at me!!!?? And about nothing. All because I haven't paid off the credit cards with our tax return yet. I've had to money for two days! ANd it's not like it's sitting in stacks on the dash board of my truck. .. it's in the freakin bank safe and sound. This bitching went on for nearly 20 mintues and then the phone cut out. What a disappointment. I didn't even try to call back. Makes me sad. I have worked so hard and waited to get that call through and it was wasted on freakin nothing! A million miles away and fighting! (well he was fighting) You would think that would never happen in our situation. That every little moment would be cherished and spent telling of my adventures with the girls and planning for when he comes home. Nope... petty retarded arguments over nothing. WTF?

My Heart

Hey hey hey-

First I would like to thank all of you who have helped me through this rough time in my life and for showing such concern for my health. Means alot! It was pretty scary there for a minute but I am happy to report that I am going to be okay. Met with the cardiologist today and he went over the results of my Echo Cardiogram and the heart monitor that I wore for a week. He said that basically my heart looks and functions normally. I may or may not have Wollff Parkinson White syndrom, but since this isn't really affecting me at this time it;s not worth trying to track it down. I have a leaky tricuspid valve that may be causing the heart palpatations, however, it is uncommon for some one of my age to have that so he said that it is possible that the there was human error on the ultrasound. Either way what we area doing is helping. I am taking a BP med. that regulates my heart rate and Keeps my heart from racing. I will have to have annual Echo Cardiograms to Check on things and if anything gets worse I am suppossed to go back in and we'll re evaluate. He said that I will be fine and that I should just keep on doing what I am doing. So basically, there is something, but it's nothing to worry about at this time. I am grateful to finally have some answers. For the last 4 years I have just been told over and over that I just had to much stress... that it was anxiety. Well, it was more than that. I plan to thank the ER doctor that suggested that I see a cardiologist in the first place. If it wasn't for him taking the time to think outside the box I would still be answerless and miserable. Now I can get back to living my life! Now I just have to get a handle on my PMS and things will be dandy!
Again thank you everyone for being there for me! I love you! And thanks to god above for my health! I have a different outlook on life and I hope to be able to live happier, healthier, and less stressed!

Love CHRISTEN XOXOXOXOXOXOXO :)

My letter to the FRG

Hello-

My name is Christen Schultz, wife of Sgt. Mark Schultz. Currently I am in Las Vegas NV (our Home of record). This is our 3rd 12 or 15 month deployment within 6 years of military service. I have 2 small children, Rylee is 3 and Carly is 12 months. I want to tell you my story. During my husbands first deployment I was living in Baumholder, Germany, alone, and 9 months into his deployment I was hospitalized for what I thought was heart problems. I was taken by ambulance to the krakenhaus. I was later diagnosed with Anxiety disorder. At that time I had no one. I was 20, scared and alone in a foreign country. I sent a red cross message to my husband and didn't hear from him. This was a time before personal Iraqi cell phones. When they had to use a satellite phone or an AT&T calling center if there was even one. When he finally did call, just by chance, I found out that he had NEVER received my message that I was in the hospital. I was hospitalized for 6 days. I never heard from Rear Detachment, no one from the FRG was there for me. Not once did anyone help me, with anything. I would have had to take a cab home if it wasn't for my down stairs neighbor, who happened to be in the hospital for something unrelated on my day of discharge. I was told to follow up with a base doctor who just put me on antidepressants and sent me home. For the last 4 years I have been told by doctors, military and civilian, that I am over stressed, depressed, and anxious due to my current life style. That is is no wonder I never feel good because of my husbands constant deployments. They just kept giving me meds and pushed me aside. No answers. On December 22nd of 2008 during my husbands 18 days of R&R I had heart palpitations several days in a row and eventually went to the ER where they had to give me IV adovan, a chest X-ray and an EKG. The ER doctor told me that the stress of our current situation was taking a physical toll on me, that I had an irregular heart beat and that he didn't want to just dismiss me as just another woman with anxiety. He suggested that I take zanax to get through these emotional times. He also said that he suspected that I have an underlying heart condition that is being exacerbated by my constant stress. He told me to follow up with a cardiologist. Finally! Some one is listening to me. Of course I have to see my primary doctor before I can see a cardiologist so I can get a referral, per tricare rules. When I go to see her she gets copies of my records and does an EKG of her own. She gets very concerned and tells me that I need to get into see a cardiologist "stat." She also says that she thinks that I am severely depressed and that my husband needs to come home. That my constant stress is beginning to take it's toll on my health and I have two small kids to care for and consider. She writes me a message to give to the red cross and puts me on a halter monitor to wear 24 hours a day for a week. at this point I am terrified... I do not know what is going on and this could be really serious. Again I am alone. Days later (tricare took 4 days to OK my referral) I went to see a cardiologist. He says that I may or may not have an underlying condition but that my constant stress is really starting to take a physical toll on me. I am currently scheduled for an Echo cardiogram on January the 27th and I am to receive my results from wearing the heart monitor on Feb. the 3rd. It took me a week to even get a red cross message sent. They made me jump through hoops to even send the message. The message was sent on the 16th of January and for days my husband had not received it. Now I am stressed to the max because I have to keep calling and calling to find out where the message is. Red cross tells me that the message has been sent and that they closed my case. Still I hear nothing. I have to call and call for hours just to get through to my husband, I can barely have a conversation with him because the phone constantly hangs up. He tells me that he still hasn't received the message and that I need to find out who received the message. I called the red cross again, they give me the information that my message was sent on the 16th of January and received by Spc. Cowen and the the message had been passed on to command. This is the 21st of January. Today, conveniently my husband finally receives my message and they tell him, well we will put this in a personnel file and if it comes up again they will re-evaluate. So I have just been put into a folder and forgotten. I have been basically told that I don't matter. And you would think that if my husband couldn't help me through this that they would elicit the help of the FRG. Yet I have recieved no support. No contact. It took me 2 weeks to send a message to my husband! That was more stressful than my possible condition. I feel neglected and let down. During his entire career we have been dismissed and pushed aside. Yes, I understand that there is a mission. I also have come to accept that "if the army wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one." This is not a cry baby letter. This is no longer about having my husband home to help me through this. I am strong and get through this like everything else. This is now about the principal of this whole deal. This is about being pushed aside. This is about my husband having to stress out and be worried because some one just didn't give him the message. This is about everyone who came before me and will come after me having a voice. Not being afraid to speak up and fight for whats right. It is not right that I don't seem to matter. And it is unacceptable that it took 7 days to get a red cross message over there. The red cross told me that they send emails... emails take seconds not days. I hope that some day for every other family in the future that they do not have to endure the hardships that I have had to endure. That when they have an emergency that they are taken care of. That there spouse receives a red cross message in a timely manner, and that they receive it at all. Again, I just want to be heard. I want you to know my story so that you can help someone else. I don't want this to happen to others. I still have no idea what is going on with my heart. I have a long list of doctors appointments. I have kids that are scared. I am still terrified. But I have faith. I will tell my story to anyone who will listen and hopefully things will change. I also hope that this letter is taken with kindness and consideration for all that I have been though. That this is not going to become a tool to make my husbands life miserable and affect his career. My husband is an excellent soldier and they are lucky to have him. As far as I have come to understand I should be able to take my questions and concerns to the FRG and that's what this is. Thank you for taking the time to listen.

Hoping for change,

Christen Schultz

Car Washes Are Dangerous!!!

Hey hey-

Well things are going well for me the last 3 days. Saturday I ran errands and went to a friends for dinner with the girls. We had a good time and a lot of helpful conversation. Helpful for me anyways. Saturday I went to the car wash on wigwam and Pecos. It is a pull through car wash were you put your vehicle in neutral and let it pull you through. Well in the middle of the car wash I felt like I had been bumped from behind. I was confused and when I got done instead of leaving I parked and got out to check. Well it turns out that this old old lady in a boat of a car didn't put her car in neutral she left it in drive and hit me in the back. Fortunately there was no damage to either vehicle. Therefore this is funny... had I had to file insurance claims, not so funny. I went to report what happened to the people that work at terribles and they say that this has happened before with the same woman!!!! Sounds like she needs to be 86'd from the car wash. haha
Sunday I re-organized my closet. It was hard for me. Marks clothes were all hanging up and i wanted to leave them there. But sharing the closet between me and the girls there just wasnt the room. I organized the whole closet leaving taking his clothes down for last. I was felling anxious and sad. But I took them down and put them away for now. I know that he will be back but it pains me to have to "put" him away for another 6 months. I had to sit down for a minute and just be sad. I'm trying hard to accept my feelings and to deal with them. Had some friends over and enjoyed the rest of my evening.
I have been spending my time with the girls and trying to learn new things. I have taken p and interest in cake and cookie decorating. The wilton website is amazing! It's a lil early, but I baked mark some valentines day cookies! I think they turned out nice. I plan on making my father in laws birthday cake this week. Wish me luck! It feels good to learn something new. It gives me something to look forward to and something to feel good about. We are starting to get back into our routine. The girls have yet another cold! makes things a little complicated, but we will get through it. All in all I am thankful to have had 3 pretty good days! Sometimes for me it seems like all I have is bad days, but I am hoping if I try to recognize all the good things that happen then maybe I can change that :)

Dunno what I'd call it

Every day seems to get easier. Talked to mark today, he's back at his base and he sounded surprisingly happy. Even though he wants nothing more than to be home with us he was also glad to get back to his men and job. He also said that it's easier going back this time because at least he knows that this is the last half of the deployment. He is right. And that's how I am going to try to look at it. Every day is just one more day closermto us all being back together and returning to our home.

I am glad to be here. I have had fun and got to do things with people that I normally miss. I was here for a few parties, I was able to spend Chrismas with all my friends and some family, Thanksgiving with my side of the family, Jenny's annual Christmas Cookie Party (Which gets bragged about and I usually miss), and other events that I would have missed. Swimming lessons with Jen and Tri, preschool classes at the rec center, trips to the park and lunch dates, GNO and BBQ's. But I am ready to go back to my house. I hate not having my own room, no matter how hard I try I wake up nearly every morning next to a 3 year old. I miss being able to cook what ever I want to cook for dinner and not having to take all the spice, flavor, and decent ingredients to please a picky pallet. I like being able to do things how I want to do them with out some one questioning how I do things or thinking that their way is the only way. I am not in any ways complaining. My every need has been met, I am loved and welcome here. I am accepted. And even though the hardly ever tell me I know that I helpful here and appreciated. However, there is nothing like having your own house... one that you clean, that you decorated, that all your stuff is in! Comming here was the best and worst decision I made.

It's a New Year. I am going to try again. 2008 was not bad, but it's wasn't great either. Perhaps I should mention some good things about 2008:

I had a baby (Techinally 2007 but barely) I got to watch her hit all her milestones and have never been more in love!

Rylee was finally old enough for Ballet and she is a natural.

Rylee has real hair, not baby hair, that I can curl and braid when she will let me.

I still have alot of weight to lose but I have lost 15 or more pounds and I currently weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with Carly.

I am getting better at dealing with my anxiety and getting stronger every day. Taking steps to improve my life and taking charge of my own happiness.

I finally went to the dentist. (After a few years)

I have given up partying and I don't miss it. Now I am not saying that I don't like to have a good time, but I don't need to binge drink, play drinking games, puke, and put my kids in a disturbing enviroment with other drunks. We can have fun, but I dont feel the need to over do it.

I enjoy to exercise even though I still have to force myself to do it and I get anxious when I work out (Dunno why on this one, anythoughts?).

I don't smoke and I dont miss it.

I am falling more and more in love with my husband the longer we are together.

I am making better attempts to take care of myself. I am slowly learning to stop feeling guilty for tending to my own needs. Hell if I don't take care of me than who will?

I have made it this far as a mother, nearly 4 years, and I don't see any damage has been caused to my kids so I must be doing a good job.

I have tried to heal my relationship with my mother, tried to stop being so mad at her for not living up to my expectations. She is who she is and I love her no matter what. I know that she loves me and is there for me when I need her and that's what I care about.

I went a on trip to California and took my babies to the Zoo and the beach.

I went to Galveston for the first time and picked sea shells with my daughter.

I watched it snow in Vegas, Real SNOW!

I spent my first holiday with out my gpa and tho I missed his presence I felt peace.

I got to see my cousin Matt who I am real close to but haven't seen in a few years.

I sent care packages to soldiers other than my husband. I baked cookies and sent treats for Halloween.

I could keep going. But I will stop. I already feel better because I can now see in black type that 2008 was a pretty good year. My list of bad things is as long if not loger than the good but here is my attempt at letting it go. Not focusing on that. Just looking at the good and learning from the bad.

I want to try to make 2009 the best I can! I won't try, I will! Live in the present, not in the past, and not in the future. To enjoy every moment, even the bad ones. Trying not to dwell on all that I cannot control. To stop expecting so much out of myself that I can't live up to my own expectations. To enjoy motherhood more and stop just having the same routine day in and day out. (Not that I don't enjoy motherhood, it just seems sometimes like every day is the same) I want to get past this anxiety and fear of mine. I want to get back on the wagon and continue to live healthier and lose weight.

I will just learn to find the joy in each day and stop being so negitive. Who has time for that? It is what it is, let's move on. Things suck sometimes and thats okay... we all get through it. Right ?