New Years Eve!

So he called today! He's in Kuwait. I wish he was on his way home, but I at least feel better to know when he makes it to his desinations. However now I have to wait for the next phone call when he actually gets into Iraq. And then at some point he will have to get on a helicopter and go to the FOB. That rattles my nerves!!! I hate any time he has to travel in that part of the world. And it's new years... So scarry for me. Okay so you say... "Well you just have to have faith.." I do... it's got me this far. However, sometimes fear can unfortunatly be a little stronger than faith. Something I need to work on I suppose. Faith or not, it doesn't make me worry any less.

Everyday this gets a little easier. The kids have seemed to level out so far. Rylee seems to have the most trouble when she is tired. That's usually when the crying for daddy begins. Sometimes I just hold her and other times I just have to let her have her time. I talked to everyone I could to find information and solutions to this problem. Then tantrums and incoherrent crying for daddy. Talked to my therpist, sought info on the net, and talked to the girls peditrician.... it's all normal. I am doing all I can do. The only thing that will make it better is him comming home. They say that deployment for kids is not much different than how a divorce affects kids. Makes sence. I am starting to not feel so helpless and like I am failing the girls. I am doing all Ican for them and thats the best I can do. Nothing is going to make this hurt any less for any of us. we just have to hold eachother and work through it.

I think that this is the first time, out of all the times that he has left, that I am actually dealing with how I feel about it. I usually just suck it up and tuck it deep inside. Trying to be strong and to do everything perfect. Well not this time! I'm letting it all out... and it's going to help me heal. I have so much pain and anger... sadness and lonelyness... so much stress and anxiety. I deny my self the right to feel my feelings... like it's not okay to be mad, or sad. Like I have to be perfect all the time and that by admitting to my feelings that I am some how weak and damaged. Well it's not. The the only person out there that expects me to be perfect is me. I mean how can I not be angry when I hear that my family is being disrupted for him to be out there doing nothing!? What wife and mother wouldn't get mad about that!!!!???

So it's New Years. Yet another holiday that we have to spend apart, but I am optimistic. As with every New year I feel that it is a chance for something new. That it can be better than than the year before. It is a time for change and a new chance to live better. I welcome 2009 for many reasons but the biggest one is that it's just getting closer to the time that this deployment is over and that he will be back home. Where we can just live and be a family.