Butterflies... in my chest!

So... it's been awhile. I can't seem to stick to anything! This blog actually really helps me but like all things I start it and then put it down. Perhaps one day I will start something and finish it! Anyways... my heart.... my freakin heart!!!! No matter how many blood tests I've had, doctors that have said, or how rational I try to be it still freaks me out. It scares me to feel that flutter, deep beat, or skip. It scares me. It makes me stop and drop what ever I am doing and pause. It's just really hard for me to believe that I am okay I guess. It's hard to feel normal and hard to believe that you are okay when something feels so wrong. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it scares me. Will it ever stop? Am I going to forever fear death? And you are wondering, woah... well how did we get to death? Well that's the fear, the fear of my heart litterally breaking. At what point can I make myself accept that I am ok. Do I want something to be wrong with me? No. Not at all. I love this life so much that I can't imagine leaving it. Since I have had my daughters life is different. It is more fragile, more priceless. I guess when you have more to lose the fear increases. It seems that when ever I am stressed and when I am worried that's when my health comes into focus. That is when I start fearing death and illness. Why? You tell me cause I haven't figured it out yet! Marks Great Grandpa in in Hospice. He is nearly 87 and dying. It is his time, he has lived a long life and his body is worn out. It's time for him to go on to the next adventure. This terrifies me!!! Watching him wither up, seeing his spirit slowly leave him, watching him give up cause he doesnt have much left to stay here for scares the shit out of me. To imagine leaving this world so miserably is aweful! The thought of me having to age and then slowly slip away sucks! I wish I didn't even think about it. I wish I could just live and enjoy my young years and laer enjoy the older years. How does everyone else do it. How do others handle death and again? How can others cope with all these seemingly normal things and for me it's intolerable? I want to just live. I want to accept the things I cannot control. I want to live healthfully and fear less. I want to believe that I am healthy and that I am going to be around for a long time. I want to accept fate and the aging process. I need to let it all go and just live!