Dunno what I'd call it

Every day seems to get easier. Talked to mark today, he's back at his base and he sounded surprisingly happy. Even though he wants nothing more than to be home with us he was also glad to get back to his men and job. He also said that it's easier going back this time because at least he knows that this is the last half of the deployment. He is right. And that's how I am going to try to look at it. Every day is just one more day closermto us all being back together and returning to our home.

I am glad to be here. I have had fun and got to do things with people that I normally miss. I was here for a few parties, I was able to spend Chrismas with all my friends and some family, Thanksgiving with my side of the family, Jenny's annual Christmas Cookie Party (Which gets bragged about and I usually miss), and other events that I would have missed. Swimming lessons with Jen and Tri, preschool classes at the rec center, trips to the park and lunch dates, GNO and BBQ's. But I am ready to go back to my house. I hate not having my own room, no matter how hard I try I wake up nearly every morning next to a 3 year old. I miss being able to cook what ever I want to cook for dinner and not having to take all the spice, flavor, and decent ingredients to please a picky pallet. I like being able to do things how I want to do them with out some one questioning how I do things or thinking that their way is the only way. I am not in any ways complaining. My every need has been met, I am loved and welcome here. I am accepted. And even though the hardly ever tell me I know that I helpful here and appreciated. However, there is nothing like having your own house... one that you clean, that you decorated, that all your stuff is in! Comming here was the best and worst decision I made.

It's a New Year. I am going to try again. 2008 was not bad, but it's wasn't great either. Perhaps I should mention some good things about 2008:

I had a baby (Techinally 2007 but barely) I got to watch her hit all her milestones and have never been more in love!

Rylee was finally old enough for Ballet and she is a natural.

Rylee has real hair, not baby hair, that I can curl and braid when she will let me.

I still have alot of weight to lose but I have lost 15 or more pounds and I currently weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with Carly.

I am getting better at dealing with my anxiety and getting stronger every day. Taking steps to improve my life and taking charge of my own happiness.

I finally went to the dentist. (After a few years)

I have given up partying and I don't miss it. Now I am not saying that I don't like to have a good time, but I don't need to binge drink, play drinking games, puke, and put my kids in a disturbing enviroment with other drunks. We can have fun, but I dont feel the need to over do it.

I enjoy to exercise even though I still have to force myself to do it and I get anxious when I work out (Dunno why on this one, anythoughts?).

I don't smoke and I dont miss it.

I am falling more and more in love with my husband the longer we are together.

I am making better attempts to take care of myself. I am slowly learning to stop feeling guilty for tending to my own needs. Hell if I don't take care of me than who will?

I have made it this far as a mother, nearly 4 years, and I don't see any damage has been caused to my kids so I must be doing a good job.

I have tried to heal my relationship with my mother, tried to stop being so mad at her for not living up to my expectations. She is who she is and I love her no matter what. I know that she loves me and is there for me when I need her and that's what I care about.

I went a on trip to California and took my babies to the Zoo and the beach.

I went to Galveston for the first time and picked sea shells with my daughter.

I watched it snow in Vegas, Real SNOW!

I spent my first holiday with out my gpa and tho I missed his presence I felt peace.

I got to see my cousin Matt who I am real close to but haven't seen in a few years.

I sent care packages to soldiers other than my husband. I baked cookies and sent treats for Halloween.

I could keep going. But I will stop. I already feel better because I can now see in black type that 2008 was a pretty good year. My list of bad things is as long if not loger than the good but here is my attempt at letting it go. Not focusing on that. Just looking at the good and learning from the bad.

I want to try to make 2009 the best I can! I won't try, I will! Live in the present, not in the past, and not in the future. To enjoy every moment, even the bad ones. Trying not to dwell on all that I cannot control. To stop expecting so much out of myself that I can't live up to my own expectations. To enjoy motherhood more and stop just having the same routine day in and day out. (Not that I don't enjoy motherhood, it just seems sometimes like every day is the same) I want to get past this anxiety and fear of mine. I want to get back on the wagon and continue to live healthier and lose weight.

I will just learn to find the joy in each day and stop being so negitive. Who has time for that? It is what it is, let's move on. Things suck sometimes and thats okay... we all get through it. Right ?