LIMBO

So today I don't really have anything specific to talk (complain) about. Eventually I hope to have more positive and memorable experiences to share but things have been kinda icky lately. Great Grandpa is dying. I don't think there is anything worse to watch than death. Even when it's a death like this. He is 87, his wife is gone, he has lived a full life and done and saw many things, he isnt is any kind of pain or suffering. And it's just his time. His heart is giving out and this is the natural progression of life. Perhaps its the fear of my own death that makes it hard to watch and accept his. I hate how this disrupts all of our lives in general. We are all cranky and sad. We are all stressed and feeling guilty. It's turned a normally calm location into a nut house. People snippin at eachother and no one can seem to anything right. Ick! I just wish he would die already. And I don['t mean that I want him to go, but I believe that he is already gone, his body is still living tho. And it's not that I wouldn't want him to live, but if he is going to die no matter what why does it take so long? It just draggs on and on and it's a tiring emotional roller coaster. I am just ready for the conclusion of this chapter. My kids need it, my husband needs it and I need it. I just want him to have peace.

I am getting so ancy for Mark to come home. We are in the double digits now in the countdown until he comes home! I just want to press fast forward to when the plane lands! The begining of the deployment and the end are the hardest for me. I seem to keep it all together in the middle, but don't do well with the rest. I am just so tired. I am tired to being a single mom. I am tired of just talking to him, making all these plans but having to just wait and wait to be able to take some action. I want my babies to go to bed happy because they are secure and their daddy is hear to tuck them in. Even after all this time rylee still screams herself to sleep some nights. Screaming for him to come back. Its so painful to watch and there's nothing I can do but let her cry it out. I feel so bad for him and Carly. They barely know eachother. Theres and automatic bond because they are father and daughter, but they have a lot of getting to know eachother to do. I am sad for him because he left me with babies and he is going to come home to little girls. I am so excited thogh to be able to be a family again. To cook for us and sit down at the dinner table together. To take a day trip or go camping. Anything as long as we are togther. He is such a big part of all 3 of us, it's just like this huge piece of us is missing when he is gone. I pray that this is the last time we have to endure a deployment. I want some normalcy.

I have a tiny fear about what its going to be like when we dont have deployment hanging over our heads. Out of nearly 7 years of marriage we have only spend 30 months of it together. That is no exaggeration. We have grown and changed so much, what if we have out grown eachother. Don't get me wrong I love him so much I could puke, but u just don't know. It's just gonna be wierd when I am secure that he isn't going to be leving us again. I pray for our future and I will do my best to keep our marriage wonderful! :)

In a month I am going back to Texas! I can't wait! I miss my house and I am excitied to get everything ready for Mark to come home. I have a new bed set that I sewed for carly and I can't wait to set it all up for her in her room. I have so many re-decorating ideas!!! I can't wait to let the girls loose in their back yard on their swingset. I can't wait to set up the kiddie pool this summer on the deck and to sit back with an iced tea and watch them spalsh around. I am terrified of the trip home though. I am scared of the drive. I have no one that is going to be rigding with me and that sucks! Sooooo borning. I can't believe that there isn't anyone who is willing to make the drive with me!!! I have to haul the trailer and that makes me nervous. I have towed the trailer with the 4 wheeler, but not beverly hillbillies style wsith half my belongings! I am sureI will be fine, just bored to tears!!!! And if some one doesnt stepup and decide to come with me then I WILL be calling YOU!